can we keep it between us?

“In the dream I don't tell anyone, you put your head in my lap.”

- Richard Siken.

---

i found my joy at the nape of your neck. you sleep on your stomach. i watch your back rise and fall; it’s silent in here.

everything will be different when you wake. i kiss your cheeks like i am hoarding. in the morning, you’ll talk about me in short phrases or avoid it altogether. you will shrug and say we only saw each other a few times, and i couldn’t leave a bruise. when i hear, when the whispers reach me, i will raise my eyebrows and repeat the same thing. i will keep my dignity.

i won’t tell them how you brushed my hair. an old polaroid will resurface. we will lock eyes and remember how you cried in my arms when your brother crashed, and you will say it was all a very big mistake and i will agree and our days won’t change. i’ll hear your voice in the dark, with my eyes closed. the cold presses a ghost to my forehead and it’s all you.

last week a bitter wind floated through the kitchen window and kissed your spine. i laughed at your shivering, told you to put a shirt on. you said, “but you’re wearing it.” the fridge-light rivalled the moon and i refused to close its door. we won’t tell them this.

in a month our hands will graze and we’ll be holding each other again. we will eat each other alive. the dust will settle. a soft hum will echo through the floorboards; we keep our dignities.

i am drunk on the quiet. i found my joy at the nape of your neck. can we keep it between us?

---